I was kicked in the face by a horse…

When I was three years old I was kicked in the face by a horse. I was playing in the backyard alone, because what parent doesn't let their three year old play in the backyard alone, and was kicked in the face by my neighbors f*cking evil ass horse!!! It had broken free from its pen and roamed into my backyard to graze, which wouldn't have been a problem had my parents been watching me!!! But since they weren't, I decided to go check out the "wittle horsey" and… BAM! Hoof to the face. The blow to the head immediately collapsed both of my eardrums and left me 100% deaf. It also crushed my skull and nearly killed me. So I stumbled up to the house, dying, and was discovered by my parents and rushed to the hospital. I survived, clearly!

But the best part of the story is years later my parents thought I was the dumbest kid ever because I couldn't understand any of their commands. Turns out I couldn't hear any of their f'n commands BECAUSE I WAS F*CKING DEAF!!! Yeah, it took them that long to figure out that I couldn't hear anything! Thanks for really paying attention to me mom and dad. So tubes were put into my ears and I regained my hearing, but not before missing out on a crucial part of learning. You know, like TALKING!!!

Most kids learn to speak when they are three. I was deaf at three. So needless to say I was a little behind. By the time I got to school I couldn't pronounce the letter R or S. So I'd say things like wimming pool and wabbit! Yeah, I was definitely the coolest kid at school with that speech impediment. I spent an hour a day in the special needs class learning how to talk. And it was there I realized I'd never make fun of people with disabilities and I'd never complain about how bad I have it, because these poor kids never even had a shot.

Anyways, that's my horse kicked story! And to this day, every horse that I see, I hate! If I could eat horse steak, or horse burgers, or horse burger helper every single day for the rest of my life I would! Horses are not majestic, gentle creatures. They are diseased, fly infested monsters who, if given the chance, will try to kick a baby's head off its shoulders! Trust me, I know! Had I been a weaker man, a man not carved of granite and marble, I too might be nothing more than a headless statistic. But alas, I'm still here! Something that head kicking horse can't claim!