As a child, I always loved the holidays! Usually because it meant no school, presents, and um...no school! But as I got older I began to realize that some of the character's in my beloved holiday stories were just plain creepy and really made no sense! I like to think that I bought into it all because of the innocence of my childhood! You know, the magic of being a kid! But in retrospect, I think I was just really stupid! Well, here's me explaining a few "characters" of the times and some of the more disturbing holidays!
Santa Clause
I'll start with the most popular one of them all, Santa Clause! My entire childhood I was taught to avoid strangers at all costs! If I didn't know them, don't trust them! Yet once a year I celebrated this fat f*uck breaking into my home! Snooping around my house, violating my privacy! And for what? A ten pack of tube socks? Seems like a raw deal to me! Santa molests me and in return my feet stay warm for the winter. Of course, the Santa who always broke into my room at night asking to "get a view of my North Pole" had the same strong whiskey breath that my Uncle Rick did...hmm. (And yes, I just went for a cheap laugh using gay incest humor) And don't even get me started on the whole "sit on Santa's lap" thing and "he knows when you're asleep" crap! That kind of action from a grown adult towards a child will get you fifteen to life in most states! Either way, Merry Christmas.
The tooth fairy
The tooth fairy! She's beautiful and sweet! Not far off from being an angel. Oh, except one thing...this bitch collects human teeth! At what point did someone say that this whole made up story was a good idea? What psychotic mother first told her child "Now Billy, take that tooth that just fell out of you diseased mouth and place it under your pillow. While you sleep a half human, winged creature with a sick fetish for teeth will fly into your room, steal the nasty thing, and replace it with a quarter". "Sure mom, I'll get right on that"! As a child, I was afraid of the wind! How did I ever go along with this story. Looking back it's a wonder I didn't lay in bed, shaking in horror, each time one of my teeth did fall out. Frozen in terror, waiting on this tooth collecting psycho to fly into my room to get her fill! F*ck you, you sick bitch! From here on out, I'm flushing my teeth down the toilet!
The easter bunny
Good old Jack Rabbit! Nothing says "thanks for dying on the cross for all of humanity's sins Jesus" quite like a rabbit handing out baskets full of candy! And where is he getting this candy from? He's a rabbit! The last rabbit I saw was so dumb it ran into a fence! A FENCE! And then pooped as an encore! And I'm supposed to believe that this one has the ability to dress itself, get a job, make money, walk into Wal-Mart, buy a crap load of chocolate (with nobody questioning it) and then sneak into every child's home on Easter morning and deliver a basket full of sweets! Man, kids are stupid! And I'm still confused as to why we paint chicken eggs? Also, please candy makers...rid the world of "peeps" once and for all! I go into a diabetic coma each time I eat one of those nasty, sugar crusted marshmallows!
Halloween
Halloween, the ultimate mindf*ck! Parents, teachers, adults in general spend their entire life's drilling into the head of children..."don't take candy from strangers"! Yet, once a year we do just that. But it's okay I guess since we all dress up in ridiculous outfits that make no sense, then walk around in neighborhoods (like a herd of cattle looking to graze) finding the most lit up house on the block so that we can beg people we don't even know for a fun sized Snickers. And what's the consequence if I choose "trick" over "treat"? Does that then mean the child has a free pass to egg my car or toilet paper my house? Trust me, I ain't above laying a kid out if he wants to get frisky! Come knock on my door some Halloween night kids! I'll toss ya a wash bucket and a sponge, point you to my car and say "Get to scrubbing. You got to earn this laffy taffy"!
Thanksgiving
So let me see if I got this holiday right? The white man sails over to America and befriends the native's with a huge feast, correct? Then, when the naive indians actually feel like they can trust the white man...he rapes their women, murders their children, steals their land and force marches them to the worst place on Earth (Oklahoma)! And we celebrate all of this by murdering a bird, eating our already fat selves to the point of being sick, then napping on the couch while football plays on the t.v. Sweet! I do love pumpkin pie!
Robert Stacy day
On October 23rd the world comes together and celebrates the day that the most beautiful creation to ever be placed on this Earth (minus Jesus) was born! Robert Stacy day! They say that on this day twenty virgins across the world just become pregnant! Women's breast grow fatter. Men's penises grow longer. The sun shines a little brighter. The world moves a little slower! Frogs jump higher. Dogs bark louder! And I'm showered with gold bars, admiration and love from an admiring world! Yes, Robert Stacy day is the one day we can all feel a little like the man himself! Shirt starting to feel a little tighter? Lips starting to sparkle a little brighter? Do you all of a sudden crave a bottle of hair gel and a nice, cool spray tan? That's because October 23rd is right around the corner! And on that day, we're all a little more "Robert Stacy" ! So go ahead and get your shopping done now! You don't want to be the one with egg on their face not having a gift the day this holiday comes around! Because to not give a gift to me on this day is a felony in all fifty states! And none of you are criminals, right? Thank you in advance! And have a wonderful Robert Stacy day!
You need therapy.
ReplyDeleteI went through therapy! It's called the "Randy Braley blazing out in the barn" treatment! It worked!
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