So the first thing you ask yourself is, "Robert, if you're describing to us the story of the worst date you have ever been on...then why did you post a picture of the planet Saturn?". Trust me, it will all come around full circle by the time this tale is through!
So I met this girl about six years ago at a party down in Texas. I was living there at the time and we really hit it off! Well, I hit it off with that particular personality for the night anyways! How was I to know she had about fifteen other sides of her. Each one more crazy then the last!
She told me her name was Isabelle! Odd name for a twenty-one year old girl huh? Yeah, I thought so too! Especially since an hour after we started talking she told me that wasn't her real name at all. She had lied to me and her real name was Erica! Um...okay, whatever! She was hot, so I overlooked it and asked her on a date! And so the weirdness begins
Why hello good sir, I'm here to pick up Erica! And you are? Oh, her boyfriend
In retrospect, I probably should have just turned away and counted my losses the moment I arrived to her apartment on that cool October Friday night, knocked on the door and had the wonderful opportunity to be greeted by her boyfriend (who she lived with in the apartment)! He informed me that while they were indeed together, he trusted her enough to let her go have fun with another man! I thought to myself, "Wow, this isn't uncomfortable at all" as me and him sat outside the door talking, waiting on Isabelle or Erica or whatever the f*ck she was calling herself at this point to finish getting ready!
Finally she appeared and we quickly exited that awkward scene and got into my car. Little did I know, chatting it up with the boyfriend of the girl I was taking out on a date would be the least awkward moment of the entire night! She quicky turned to me as we drove away and said "Can we go to the "Rabbit Hole" for dinner?" I said, "The Rabbit Hole? Sounds fancy...sure!"
As she pointed me along my way, I noticed the part of town we were heading into was becoming a bit more trashy! Poorer so to speak! I started to notice that there were a lot of liquor stores and check cashing places! As we pulled into the parking lot I quickly realized that the "Rabbit Hole" was a strip club! She wanted to eat dinner at the strip club! Why's that you ask? Because she had to work that night at the strip club! Yes, she was going to go ahead and punch the time clock for a few hours (she's a hard worker). Try to make some quick cash so she didn't waste the opportunity of passing up some Friday night money!
As I sat at a table by myself, watching my date grind her self against random strangers for money I thought "What have I gotten myself into?". Twelve (six point) beers later and the idea of leaving seemed like a distant memory! I mean, I was in a strip club! Might as well enjoy myself, right
Purple sand you say?
So eventually she came over to me and the date officially began! Sure, she was sweaty from dancing and smelled like men's cologne, smoke, and whiskey! But who was I to judge! I decided we should get to know each other! So I struck up a conversation. "So Erica, tell me about yourself". To which she replied "I'm a witch". Um, huh? Do what now? That's right, she was a witch. Or so she thought she was. Apparently every female in her family was a witch and they regularly practiced their witchcraft with seances and spell casting get togethers!
I really tried ignoring her, focusing on the beauty instead. But she just made it harder and harder each time she opened her damn mouth! She followed up with a story about her past (reincarnated) life in which she was a vampire! But since she could never kill another human being, she only drank the blood of animals. A real sweetheart, huh? And this was before Twilight and all that other stuff! Vampire's weren't even cool during this time. But whatever!
And so then we come to the planet Saturn (I told you it would come back around)! She then told me that she regularly has out of body experiences and that the last time she had one, she visited the planet Saturn! But it didn't stop there! No, she described the planet to me. The sky was like a green, gassy cloud mixture. It was cold and somewhat dark. Oh yeah, and the f*cking sand was purple! PURPLE!!!
This couldn't be overlooked and as I drove her home I knew this wasn't happening! But she kept trying to seduce me. Of course, not in a sexy way. But in a way that only a witch slash vampire slash purple sand monster could seduce a man! By continually referencing how wet her "juice box" was! Um...yeah! I'm sure you can guess what that meant!
I dare any of you to try and top this disastrous date! I DARE YOU! Because if you can, I would love to hear it! And yes, I did end up sleeping with her! Ha!
I really tried ignoring her, focusing on the beauty instead. But she just made it harder and harder each time she opened her damn mouth! She followed up with a story about her past (reincarnated) life in which she was a vampire! But since she could never kill another human being, she only drank the blood of animals. A real sweetheart, huh? And this was before Twilight and all that other stuff! Vampire's weren't even cool during this time. But whatever!
And so then we come to the planet Saturn (I told you it would come back around)! She then told me that she regularly has out of body experiences and that the last time she had one, she visited the planet Saturn! But it didn't stop there! No, she described the planet to me. The sky was like a green, gassy cloud mixture. It was cold and somewhat dark. Oh yeah, and the f*cking sand was purple! PURPLE!!!
This couldn't be overlooked and as I drove her home I knew this wasn't happening! But she kept trying to seduce me. Of course, not in a sexy way. But in a way that only a witch slash vampire slash purple sand monster could seduce a man! By continually referencing how wet her "juice box" was! Um...yeah! I'm sure you can guess what that meant!
I dare any of you to try and top this disastrous date! I DARE YOU! Because if you can, I would love to hear it! And yes, I did end up sleeping with her! Ha!
