What really happened!

Let the truth set you free...

Okay, I figured that since it's veteran's day I owe it to
each and every red blooded, flag flying, pride filled
American to finally be brutally honest and share with
you what really happened during the Iraq war. Share
with you the real story of how one man (me)
overthrew a tyrannical dictator, single handedly
defeated the Republican guard (the Iraqi army) and
introduced freedom and democracy to millions of
innocent Iraqi's. Some may call me a hero by the end
of this tale. I just call myself "Robert"! But hero's fine
too!

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Am I ready for this...

It all started back in high school. As many of you know,
I was a basketball phenom! Probably the greatest
athlete to every grace a court (just look at me in this
picture, physically I was a beast). Now I was fully aware
that the nation was watching my every move. I mean, I
was a superstar! But little did I know, I had also drawn the attention of a few other people as well! The United States military, the Pentagon, the FBI, the CIA, special forces, and even the president of the United States of America himself, George Herbert Walker Bush (he's a HUGE basketball fan) were all also watching me very closely. You see, they knew I had the "it" factor (once again, you can just tell that from this photo of me). All the great one's have "it"! They saw it each and every time I tossed on my uniform and balled out on people. And because of that, shortly after my 19th birthday I was offered a proposition...


Two men in black suits approached me one cold winter night and asked me if I was ready to save the world! I didn't think twice. I said "Of course"! Where do I sign up?". They instructed me that I would first have to fly to a secret training location on a government controlled island were I would train before my mission (which was somewhat unclear at the time...ya know, other than it being "saving the world"). So I left at the beginning of February, lied to my family and friends about where I was really going (I said I joined the Army...Ha) and I set off to save the world!

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You want me to do what...

I arrived on the top secret, government controlled island and immediately my training began. They loaded me up in a helicopter, tied both my arms behind my back, blindfolded me, and dumped me out onto the beach were I was immediately engaged by two ravenous gorillas! Using just my legs, I dominated them both...then took a nap. For my next training mission, they wrapped me up like a mummy, dropped me into the bottom of the shark filled ocean floor and said I had five minutes to return to the beach. I was back in four. When asked, "How did you do THAT? And with a minute to spare?" I replied with "Actually, it only took me one minute, but I was hungry so I ate an entire shark" (which took the other three minutes). At that point, they knew they found their guy!

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And the mission is...

So with my training complete, the president himself called me to congratulate me and to give me my mission brief. I was to invade the country of Iraq, overthrow Saddam, defeat the Iraqi military, and set millions of Iraqi's free! To which I replied with, "Mr. President, liberate an entire country? Man, I was hoping you were going to give me something hard!" And so armed with nothing more than the shirt on back, some cameo pants, and a pair of combat boots I was off to save the world! I'm heroic like that!

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Let it begin...

They government flew me to Florida, where I would launch into outer space (with help from the good folks of NASA) and land on the moon. From there, I was to base jump off the moon and into the city of Baghdad, Iraq! I chose to do so without a parachute, as I didn't want any extra weight holding me down.


I landed on top of Saddam's palace and immediately I was surrounded by tanks, snipers, and an entire division of Iraqi infantry soldiers pointing their rifles at me. I proceeded to take off my shirt and flex. The sheer awesomeness of what they were witnessing caused many of the infantry soldiers heads to just spontaneously explode. The tanks gun barrels bent and folded over from the ripped muscles in my arms and chest. The snipers jumped out of their buildings and to their death knowing that their bullets were no match!


I walked into Saddam's palace, shirtless of course, and faced the dictator himself! He looked at me in fear. I removed my pants, rolled out my wang and said "Hang yourself with this"! He obliged! Then, despite being a virgin and having strong moral character, I decided that as a sacrifice for my country...I would proceed to impregnate every single woman in the entire middle east so that American blood could begin to be born! 

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I'm not a hero...I'm just Robert

I returned home to no ticker tape parade. No crowds of people chanted my name. No children hugged me, no women cried over me. The U.S Army followed my lead into Iraq once I left and helped to stabilize it once my work was done. They got all the glory. And it's what I wanted. The government lied to the nation and the media told an untrue story of how our military as a whole conquered Saddam. But now you know the truth. It was me who overthrew Saddam. And now I rest. Waiting for the day that justice must be served again. Waiting for the day that the United States government, our country, lady liberty herself ask's me once again, "Young man, won't you save the world?" To which I'll reply..."I'll do so as soon as I finish this delicious hot pocket!"

Happy Veteran's day

The worst date I have ever been on...

So the first thing you ask yourself is, "Robert, if you're describing to us the story of the worst date you have ever been on...then why did you post a picture of the planet Saturn?". Trust me, it will all come around full circle by the time this tale is through!


So I met this girl about six years ago at a party down in Texas. I was living there at the time and we really hit it off! Well, I hit it off with that particular personality for the night anyways! How was I to know she had about fifteen other sides of her. Each one more crazy then the last!


She told me her name was Isabelle! Odd name for a twenty-one year old girl huh? Yeah, I thought so too! Especially since an hour after we started talking she told me that wasn't her real name at all. She had lied to me and her real name was Erica! Um...okay, whatever! She was hot, so I overlooked it and asked her on a date! And so the weirdness begins

---

Why hello good sir, I'm here to pick up Erica! And you are? Oh, her boyfriend

In retrospect, I probably should have just turned away and counted my losses the moment I arrived to her apartment on that cool October Friday night, knocked on the door and had the wonderful opportunity to be greeted by her boyfriend (who she lived with in the apartment)! He informed me that while they were indeed together, he trusted her enough to let her go have fun with another man! I thought to myself, "Wow, this isn't uncomfortable at all" as me and him sat outside the door talking, waiting on Isabelle or Erica or whatever the f*ck she was calling herself at this point to finish getting ready!


Finally she appeared and we quickly exited that awkward scene and got into my car. Little did I know, chatting it up with the boyfriend of the girl I was taking out on a date would be the least awkward moment of the entire night! She quicky turned to me as we drove away and said "Can we go to the "Rabbit Hole" for dinner?" I said, "The Rabbit Hole? Sounds fancy...sure!"  

As she pointed me along my way, I noticed the part of town we were heading into was becoming a bit more trashy! Poorer so to speak! I started to notice that there were a lot of liquor stores and check cashing places! As we pulled into the parking lot I quickly realized that the "Rabbit Hole" was a strip club! She wanted to eat dinner at the strip club! Why's that you ask? Because she had to work that night at the strip club! Yes, she was going to go ahead and punch the time clock for a few hours (she's a hard worker). Try to make some quick cash so she didn't waste the opportunity of passing up some Friday night money!


As I sat at a table by myself, watching my date grind her self against random strangers for money I thought "What have I gotten myself into?". Twelve (six point) beers later and the idea of leaving seemed like a distant memory! I mean, I was in a strip club! Might as well enjoy myself, right

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Purple sand you say?

So eventually she came over to me and the date officially began! Sure, she was sweaty from dancing and smelled like men's cologne, smoke, and whiskey! But who was I to judge! I decided we should get to know each other! So I struck up a conversation. "So Erica, tell me about yourself". To which she replied "I'm a witch". Um, huh? Do what now? That's right, she was a witch. Or so she thought she was. Apparently every female in her family was a witch and they regularly practiced their witchcraft with seances and spell casting get togethers!


I really tried ignoring her, focusing on the beauty instead. But she just made it harder and harder each time she opened her damn mouth! She followed up with a story about her past (reincarnated) life in which she was a vampire! But since she could never kill another human being, she only drank the blood of animals. A real sweetheart, huh? And this was before Twilight and all that other stuff! Vampire's weren't even cool during this time. But whatever!


And so then we come to the planet Saturn (I told you it would come back around)! She then told me that she regularly has out of body experiences and that the last time she had one, she visited the planet Saturn! But it didn't stop there! No, she described the planet to me. The sky was like a green, gassy cloud mixture. It was cold and somewhat dark. Oh yeah, and the f*cking sand was purple! PURPLE!!!


This couldn't be overlooked and as I drove her home I knew this wasn't happening! But she kept trying to seduce me. Of course, not in a sexy way. But in a way that only a witch slash vampire slash purple sand monster could seduce a man! By continually referencing how wet her "juice box" was! Um...yeah! I'm sure you can guess what that meant!


I dare any of you to try and top this disastrous date! I DARE YOU! Because if you can, I would love to hear it! And yes, I did end up sleeping with her! Ha!

Holidays...what a mindf*ck!

As a child, I always loved the holidays! Usually because it meant no school, presents, and um...no school! But as I got older I began to realize that some of the character's in my beloved holiday stories were just plain creepy and really made no sense! I like to think that I bought into it all because of the innocence of my childhood! You know, the magic of being a kid! But in retrospect, I think I was just really stupid! Well, here's me explaining a few "characters" of the times and some of the more disturbing holidays!

Santa Clause

I'll start with the most popular one of them all, Santa Clause! My entire childhood I was taught to avoid strangers at all costs! If I didn't know them, don't trust them! Yet once a year I celebrated this fat f*uck breaking into my home! Snooping around my house, violating my privacy! And for what? A ten pack of tube socks? Seems like a raw deal to me! Santa molests me and in return my feet stay warm for the winter. Of course, the Santa who always broke into my room at night asking to "get a view of my North Pole" had the same strong whiskey breath that my Uncle Rick did...hmm.  (And yes, I just went for a cheap laugh using gay incest humor) And don't even get me started on the whole "sit on Santa's lap" thing and "he knows when you're asleep" crap! That kind of action from a grown adult towards a child will get you fifteen to life in most states! Either way, Merry Christmas.

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The tooth fairy

The tooth fairy! She's beautiful and sweet! Not far off from being an angel. Oh, except one thing...this bitch collects human teeth! At what point did someone say that this whole made up story was a good idea? What psychotic mother first told her child "Now Billy, take that tooth that just fell out of you diseased mouth and place it under your pillow. While you sleep a half human, winged creature with a sick fetish for teeth will fly into your room, steal the nasty thing, and replace it with a quarter". "Sure mom, I'll get right on that"! As a child, I was afraid of the wind! How did I ever go along with this story. Looking back it's a wonder I didn't lay in bed, shaking in horror, each time one of my teeth did fall out. Frozen in terror, waiting on this tooth collecting psycho to fly into my room to get her fill! F*ck you, you sick bitch! From here on out, I'm flushing my teeth down the toilet!

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The easter bunny

Good old Jack Rabbit! Nothing says "thanks for dying on the cross for all of humanity's sins Jesus" quite like a rabbit handing out baskets full of candy! And where is he getting this candy from? He's a rabbit! The last rabbit I saw was so dumb it ran into a fence! A FENCE! And then pooped as an encore! And I'm supposed to believe that this one has the ability to dress itself, get a job, make money, walk into Wal-Mart, buy a crap load of chocolate (with nobody questioning it) and then sneak into every child's home on Easter morning and deliver a basket full of sweets! Man, kids are stupid! And I'm still confused as to why we paint chicken eggs? Also, please candy makers...rid the world of "peeps" once and for all! I go into a diabetic coma each time I eat one of those nasty, sugar crusted marshmallows!

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Halloween 

Halloween, the ultimate mindf*ck! Parents, teachers, adults in general spend their entire life's drilling into the head of children..."don't take candy from strangers"! Yet, once a year we do just that. But it's okay I guess since we all dress up in ridiculous outfits that make no sense, then walk around in neighborhoods (like a herd of cattle looking to graze) finding the most lit up house on the block so that we can beg people we don't even know for a fun sized Snickers. And what's the consequence if I choose "trick" over "treat"? Does that then mean the child has a free pass to egg my car or toilet paper my house? Trust me, I ain't above laying a kid out if he wants to get frisky! Come knock on my door some Halloween night kids! I'll toss ya a wash bucket and a sponge, point you to my car and say "Get to scrubbing. You got to earn this laffy taffy"!

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Thanksgiving

So let me see if I got this holiday right? The white man sails over to America and befriends the native's with a huge feast, correct? Then, when the naive indians actually feel like they can trust the white man...he rapes their women, murders their children, steals their land and force marches them to the worst place on Earth (Oklahoma)! And we celebrate all of this by murdering a bird, eating our already fat selves to the point of being sick, then napping on the couch while football plays on the t.v. Sweet! I do love pumpkin pie!

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Robert Stacy day

On October 23rd the world comes together and celebrates the day that the most beautiful creation to ever be placed on this Earth (minus Jesus) was born! Robert Stacy day! They say that on this day twenty virgins across the world just become pregnant! Women's breast grow fatter. Men's penises grow longer. The sun shines a little brighter. The world moves a little slower! Frogs jump higher. Dogs bark louder! And I'm showered with gold bars, admiration and love from an admiring world! Yes, Robert Stacy day is the one day we can all feel a little like the man himself! Shirt starting to feel a little tighter? Lips starting to sparkle a little brighter? Do you all of a sudden crave a bottle of hair gel and a nice, cool spray tan? That's because October 23rd is right around the corner! And on that day, we're all a little more "Robert Stacy" ! So go ahead and get your shopping done now! You don't want to be the one with egg on their face not having a gift the day this holiday comes around! Because to not give a gift to me on this day is a felony in all fifty states! And none of you are criminals, right? Thank you in advance! And have a wonderful Robert Stacy day!

I'm like a bag of skittles...

And on the seventh day the Lord, our God, rested! Than on the eight day he created me, Robert Stacy! Then the Lord shouted across the universe "He is so beautiful! I must create an image to rival his gorgeousness"...thus a rainbow was born! At least I think it went something like that!


So this is my first blog! I know, totally lame...right? Ha! Somehow three girls convinced me that there might be people who are actually interested in the crap I say. But of course, it wouldn't be the first time a team of girls convinced me to do something I didn't really want to do (my butt still hurts from that "experiment")! Either way, here I am! Writing to basically no one about a bunch of stuff that I'm sure nobody wants to hear about! But hey, at least I know that there are at least three girls who will be following me and reading this blog! At least they better be!


Anyways, so I guess I'll start out with explaining who I am. A weirdo! No, seriously...I'm not right in the head! My childhood was full of a collection of events that would have turned any straight man gay! My mother and two sisters raised me (and dressed me in drag...that will be a later blog) so I tend to really feel what women feel, as opposed to what a man feels. Which is basically nothing more then sex, sports, beer, cars, and guns. In whatever order you would prefer to put that in. I relate to women. But not in a "let's hook up and make out" kind of way! No, it's more along the lines of "let's paint each other's toenails and gossip about cute boys all night long"! Well, I say let's talk about cute boys, but I'm not into guys sexually (it's sad that I even have to make that clear)! Actually, I've always thought of myself as a lesbian trapped in a man's body! You see, I'm basically a girl on the inside. I have all the traits. But man do I find women gorgeous! So much more then a hairy man! So despite my love for rainbows, glittery make up, lip gloss, tight shirts, salads, and dolphins...I am still technically a man!


Over the next few blogs I'll get more into detail about my unusual thoughts and my life in general . It will be a collection of stories, events, ideas and a description of the people who helped to shape me into the "man" I am today! I hope everyone enjoys! 


In the meantime, tell me this. Is it really so "gay" to shed a few tears over a rainbow? Sure, the one time I did cry over a rainbow I was on the end of a three day drinking binge and at that point I was so delusional that a box of crayons captivated me. Seriously, I was like..."this is childhood, crayons...WOW!" But hey, a rainbow is beautiful regardless! Whiskey binge or not! And so are a box of crayons when you're completely drunk and really lonely! Ha! 


So anyways, I ask you of this...go home, put on your silk robe, pour yourself a drink (may I suggest a pink flamingo or a sexy pony), pop in Cher's greatest hits, grab a fluffy pillow, pop open the computer, sit back and enjoy. Because the blogs I will be writing only get gayer from here on out!


And  yes...I typed all of this while soaking in the bathtub with a scented candle (cinnamon apple) burning next to me. Oh yeah, I'm on that level!