I HAVE A DREAM...

As summertime officially kicks into gear I can't help but be reminded of the game of baseball and how, as a little boy, I used to dream about being a great baseball player!  Hitting homeruns, pitching no hitters, I wanted to be a star! But my parents never put me into little league and thus, I never learned how to properly play the game. You see, my parents had five kids and I was the last one. So needless to say they were pretty much done raising children by the time that I came along (the dog got more attention then I did)! And so the last thing they wanted to do was waste their summer days at some crowded old ballpark watching me play.

HITTING ROCKS WITH A STICK MEANS YOU'RE POOR

But I always dreamed about playing. I loved the sport! I would hit rocks with a stick for hours pretending I was crushing 400 foot home runs! In fact, if they ever invent a game were the object is to hit a rock with a stick I'm going to be so awesome at it! But anyways, I loved baseball and I wanted to play. But I sucked at all sports requiring any sort of strength.

I WAS CRACKHEAD SKINNY AS A KID

Growing up, I was basically a walking scarecrow. In high school I weighed 130 pounds soaking wet. In Science class they would put the skeleton in the closet and just ask me to stand in front of the class shirtless instead. I tried to play football but the pads outweighed me! And they could never find a helmet that would fit my tiny little monkey head. I could put my helmet on, grab the facemask, and spin the entire thing around my face. A gust of wind could have knocked my helmet off. Hell, half the time during games when I'd be running it'd start getting all crooked on me and I'd end up not being able to see halfway through a play! Although I was very good at basketball, All-state if you must know. But that sport was easy for me because absolutely ZERO strength was required! It was all based on skill alone.

MAYBE THIS WAS A BAD IDEA

But back to the topic at hand. Above all else, I wanted to be a baseball player. So despite never having played a competitive game a day in my life I decided to try out for the high school baseball team! Great idea, right? So the very first day I show up and the coaches ask me what position I play. After I stared at them confused for like five minutes they decided that getting me as far away from the ball as possible would be the best position for me. So they shoved me in the outfield. And after I dropped every single fly ball that was hit my way I'm pretty sure they knew they didn't have the next Babe Ruth on their team. But to be nice they went ahead and let me have a few swings with my bat on the pitching machine.

CHEWBACCA THROWING A BASEBALL IS AWESOME!!!

And now it was my time to shine. Sure, I sucked at catching fly balls. But have you seen me hit a rock with a stick? I'm an animal! This will be easy! So I step up to the plate and dig into the dirt (like I know what I am doing). I grip tight on my bat and prepare for the pitch. With the summer sun beating down on my brow, and with everyone watching, I prepare myself for war. All of a sudden *whoosh* the baseball comes flying my way, right down the pipe! This is it, this is the moment that I've been waiting my whole life for! I'm going to hit this baseball a mile over the fence, just like I did to all those rocks growing up! I'm finally going to be a baseball star!!!

I'M BABE F*CKING RUTH!!!

My eyes open wide, I draw the bat back, and then, with every ounce of strength that I have, I swing that bat forward as hard as I can and hit the ball square in the face! I've never hit anything that hard in my life. I gave that ball all that I had!!! I murdered it!!! And it rolled three feet in front of me...

OKAY, MAYBE I'M NOT BABE RUTH

I literally could have spit further then I hit that damn ball. Confused (and extremely humiliated) I stared at it for a minute wondering why in the hell I was out there trying out for the baseball team to begin with. Then all of a sudden, amidst all the laughter, I heard a coach yell "run to first base you idiot"! Oh I ran, I ran right off that field and never returned again. F*ck you baseball! I hate you!!! Come find me when you trade in that bat and ball for a stick and some rocks!