Be, all that you can be, in the A-R-M-Y!!!
So as some of you may know (because I talk it about it all the time), I joined the United States Army Infantry a year after I got out of high school back in 2001. Which at the time seemed like a great idea! Until 9/11 went down. Next thing I know, I'm standing in the middle of Baghdad, Iraq wondering what in the hell just happened! But that's another story. This story is about the worst job I have ever had. The worst job imaginable! The type of job Lucifer himself gives to only the most corrupt souls of hell. I'm talking about burning human shit!
How would you like your poop? Extra crispy?
That's right, America's hero, the defender of her land, of her freedom, of all we hold sacred, spent his off hours stirring around a bucket of melted, flaming human shit!!! And yes, it melts. Almost into a thick, milkshake like substance. Except it smells WAY worse. And the smoke that rises off the flames of a burning bucket of shit are as dark as night. It's very disturbing. And VERY humbling. You think you have confidence? You think you have some self-esteem? Well then why don't you go grab yourself a broom handle and start stirring around a bucket of other people's melted shit for about half an hour. See if that doesn't change your entire perspective on how important you think you really are. Because it sure as hell put me in check! Now some of you might ask, "Rob, how did you get so lucky as to have the privilege of burning multiple buckets full of other people's shit"? Well I'll tell ya!
Iraq is pretty much the hottest place in the universe. And when I say hot, I mean you'd jump onto the surface of the sun to cool off. And when you're in the Army, you're given all this kick ass gear. Only problem is, you have to wear all that kick ass gear 24/7 when in combat. And all that gear weighs about a hundred pounds. So needless to say, you're hot! And as part of the wonderful brain washing technique that the military likes to use on its soldiers so that they are controlled like little puppets, they have all these stupid rules. And I mean STUPID!!! Did you know it's actually against the Uniform Code of Military Justice to receive a blow job from your wife? And missionary position is the ONLY sexual position allowed. That's right. The Army even tries to tell you how to have sex! Although they OBVIOUSLY don't enforce any of those rules anymore (because I sure as hell would be in some trouble), however they are still on the books. But anyways, a lot of the rules that they have pertain to the proper wearing of the uniform. And one of those ridiculous rules in regards to the uniform is that both sleeves must be rolled down at all times.
So here I am, on the surface of the sun, with a hundred pounds of gear on and a LONG SLEEVED JACKET!!! Well one day I had had enough. I said "that's it, I'm rolling these fucking sleeves up". Surely my chain of command would see that it's hotter than a whore on dollar night out here and there'd be no way that they would enforce this stupid little rule! WRONG!!! After a two hour patrol, we returned to the palace that we were staying at and immediately one of the highest ranking men in my company saw me and screamed. "Stacy, you like being different?" To which I thought, "Fuck yes I like being different! Especially if it means I'm a few degrees cooler". But I played the dumb "I don't know what you're talking about" soldier and acted like I was innocent. After he pointed out to me that I had rolled up my sleeves (I'm such a rebel), he read off the rulebook to me. Then he proceeded to chew my ass out for about ten minutes before directing me straight to the outhouses were I was instructed on how to properly burn human shit (and there is a proper way). It's a delicate combination consisting of diesel fuel, a mountain of shitty ass logs and toilet paper in an overfilled metal bucket, and just the right amount of stirring! Because nothing caps off a two and a half hour combat patrol in 160 degree heat more than burning human shit. And that my friends is the shittiest (no pun intended) job I have ever had!
