Okay, I figured that since it's veteran's day I owe it to
each and every red blooded, flag flying, pride filled
American to finally be brutally honest and share with
you what really happened during the Iraq war. Share
with you the real story of how one man (me)
overthrew a tyrannical dictator, single handedly
defeated the Republican guard (the Iraqi army) and
introduced freedom and democracy to millions of
innocent Iraqi's. Some may call me a hero by the end
of this tale. I just call myself "Robert"! But hero's fine
too!
each and every red blooded, flag flying, pride filled
American to finally be brutally honest and share with
you what really happened during the Iraq war. Share
with you the real story of how one man (me)
overthrew a tyrannical dictator, single handedly
defeated the Republican guard (the Iraqi army) and
introduced freedom and democracy to millions of
innocent Iraqi's. Some may call me a hero by the end
of this tale. I just call myself "Robert"! But hero's fine
too!
Am I ready for this...
It all started back in high school. As many of you know,
I was a basketball phenom! Probably the greatest
athlete to every grace a court (just look at me in this
picture, physically I was a beast). Now I was fully aware
that the nation was watching my every move. I mean, I
was a superstar! But little did I know, I had also drawn the attention of a few other people as well! The United States military, the Pentagon, the FBI, the CIA, special forces, and even the president of the United States of America himself, George Herbert Walker Bush (he's a HUGE basketball fan) were all also watching me very closely. You see, they knew I had the "it" factor (once again, you can just tell that from this photo of me). All the great one's have "it"! They saw it each and every time I tossed on my uniform and balled out on people. And because of that, shortly after my 19th birthday I was offered a proposition...
Two men in black suits approached me one cold winter night and asked me if I was ready to save the world! I didn't think twice. I said "Of course"! Where do I sign up?". They instructed me that I would first have to fly to a secret training location on a government controlled island were I would train before my mission (which was somewhat unclear at the time...ya know, other than it being "saving the world"). So I left at the beginning of February, lied to my family and friends about where I was really going (I said I joined the Army...Ha) and I set off to save the world!
I was a basketball phenom! Probably the greatest
athlete to every grace a court (just look at me in this
picture, physically I was a beast). Now I was fully aware
that the nation was watching my every move. I mean, I
was a superstar! But little did I know, I had also drawn the attention of a few other people as well! The United States military, the Pentagon, the FBI, the CIA, special forces, and even the president of the United States of America himself, George Herbert Walker Bush (he's a HUGE basketball fan) were all also watching me very closely. You see, they knew I had the "it" factor (once again, you can just tell that from this photo of me). All the great one's have "it"! They saw it each and every time I tossed on my uniform and balled out on people. And because of that, shortly after my 19th birthday I was offered a proposition...
Two men in black suits approached me one cold winter night and asked me if I was ready to save the world! I didn't think twice. I said "Of course"! Where do I sign up?". They instructed me that I would first have to fly to a secret training location on a government controlled island were I would train before my mission (which was somewhat unclear at the time...ya know, other than it being "saving the world"). So I left at the beginning of February, lied to my family and friends about where I was really going (I said I joined the Army...Ha) and I set off to save the world!
You want me to do what...
I arrived on the top secret, government controlled island and immediately my training began. They loaded me up in a helicopter, tied both my arms behind my back, blindfolded me, and dumped me out onto the beach were I was immediately engaged by two ravenous gorillas! Using just my legs, I dominated them both...then took a nap. For my next training mission, they wrapped me up like a mummy, dropped me into the bottom of the shark filled ocean floor and said I had five minutes to return to the beach. I was back in four. When asked, "How did you do THAT? And with a minute to spare?" I replied with "Actually, it only took me one minute, but I was hungry so I ate an entire shark" (which took the other three minutes). At that point, they knew they found their guy!
And the mission is...
So with my training complete, the president himself called me to congratulate me and to give me my mission brief. I was to invade the country of Iraq, overthrow Saddam, defeat the Iraqi military, and set millions of Iraqi's free! To which I replied with, "Mr. President, liberate an entire country? Man, I was hoping you were going to give me something hard!" And so armed with nothing more than the shirt on back, some cameo pants, and a pair of combat boots I was off to save the world! I'm heroic like that!
Let it begin...
They government flew me to Florida, where I would launch into outer space (with help from the good folks of NASA) and land on the moon. From there, I was to base jump off the moon and into the city of Baghdad, Iraq! I chose to do so without a parachute, as I didn't want any extra weight holding me down.
I landed on top of Saddam's palace and immediately I was surrounded by tanks, snipers, and an entire division of Iraqi infantry soldiers pointing their rifles at me. I proceeded to take off my shirt and flex. The sheer awesomeness of what they were witnessing caused many of the infantry soldiers heads to just spontaneously explode. The tanks gun barrels bent and folded over from the ripped muscles in my arms and chest. The snipers jumped out of their buildings and to their death knowing that their bullets were no match!
I walked into Saddam's palace, shirtless of course, and faced the dictator himself! He looked at me in fear. I removed my pants, rolled out my wang and said "Hang yourself with this"! He obliged! Then, despite being a virgin and having strong moral character, I decided that as a sacrifice for my country...I would proceed to impregnate every single woman in the entire middle east so that American blood could begin to be born!
I landed on top of Saddam's palace and immediately I was surrounded by tanks, snipers, and an entire division of Iraqi infantry soldiers pointing their rifles at me. I proceeded to take off my shirt and flex. The sheer awesomeness of what they were witnessing caused many of the infantry soldiers heads to just spontaneously explode. The tanks gun barrels bent and folded over from the ripped muscles in my arms and chest. The snipers jumped out of their buildings and to their death knowing that their bullets were no match!
I walked into Saddam's palace, shirtless of course, and faced the dictator himself! He looked at me in fear. I removed my pants, rolled out my wang and said "Hang yourself with this"! He obliged! Then, despite being a virgin and having strong moral character, I decided that as a sacrifice for my country...I would proceed to impregnate every single woman in the entire middle east so that American blood could begin to be born!
I'm not a hero...I'm just Robert
I returned home to no ticker tape parade. No crowds of people chanted my name. No children hugged me, no women cried over me. The U.S Army followed my lead into Iraq once I left and helped to stabilize it once my work was done. They got all the glory. And it's what I wanted. The government lied to the nation and the media told an untrue story of how our military as a whole conquered Saddam. But now you know the truth. It was me who overthrew Saddam. And now I rest. Waiting for the day that justice must be served again. Waiting for the day that the United States government, our country, lady liberty herself ask's me once again, "Young man, won't you save the world?" To which I'll reply..."I'll do so as soon as I finish this delicious hot pocket!"
Happy Veteran's day
Happy Veteran's day
